RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: No World Wars, no World Cup, no pub and vegan-only grub… Welcome to Britain's WOKE WONDERLAND theme park
Plans to build a theme park in Oxfordshire celebrating Britain’s vibrant history have run into fierce opposition from locals. Villagers in Bucknell fear it would wreck their rural idyll.
A similar attraction in France, run by the company behind the project, has more than two million visitors a year. Bucknell residents are concerned that the park would bring traffic chaos and create ‘horrendous’ noise pollution.
While I sympathise with the locals, I also fear the worst. Despite the success of Alton Towers and Chessington World of Adventure, we don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to setting up theme parks in Britain.
A proposed £3.5 billion Disneyland-style complex at Ebbsfleet in Kent, collapsed at the turn of the year. It was subsequently revealed that the Kuwaiti businessman behind it was a bankrupt with several convictions for fraud and could face 25 years in prison if he ever returned home.
These things rarely turn out well. I can remember a less-than-impressive medieval village attraction at Alexandra Palace in North London, then at the top of our road, which lasted about five minutes before heavy rain turned it into a quagmire and brought about its early demise.
Every year, parents drag their children along to dubious Winter Wonderland events, only to end up seriously disenchanted and out of pocket.
My favourite is still the Lapland New Forest extravaganza, which a few years ago persuaded 5,000 unsuspecting punters to part with £30 a head up front, online.
They arrived to find the entrance marked with a scribbled ‘Lapland: Way In’ notice, taped to a traffic cone. It made the approach to your average council recycling depot look like the Yellow Brick Road.
Plans to build a theme park in Oxfordshire celebrating Britain’s vibrant history have run into fierce opposition from locals
Residents of the quaint village fear traffic chaos and 'horrendous' noise pollution
As I wrote at the time, things went downhill from there. Mangy huskies covered in mud were tethered to stakes, the alleged ice rink – a polythene sheet – was closed for repairs and the ‘reindeer’ turned out to be arthritic donkeys, with cardboard antlers tied to their heads.
Tempers became frayed and the elves started brawling with customers. Santa was punched in the face by a father who had been queuing for four hours. One of the elves took a smack in the face from a livid mum. A security guard said he was called a ‘pikey’ and punched on the forehead by an irate parent.
The site was subsequently raided by both the RSPCA and the local trading standards office and the organiser was revealed to be a scrap metal dealer and convicted fraudster, who had served time for tax evasion.
Not that I’m suggesting this kind of mayhem is what will await visitors to the proposed theme park in Oxfordshire. No, my fears are more political.
The French model was designed by a former MEP and has been accused of presenting a romanticised, Right-wing version of history. It features bold medieval knights in chainmail, jousting to upbeat music, but curiously no mention of World War II. Restaurants on site feature the best of traditional French gourmet cuisine through the ages.
Anyone who thinks the British version might follow a similar pattern would be mistaken. For a start, can you imagine the reaction if there was any suggestion that the park might reflect a ‘far-Right’ view of British history? The revisionists would have a field day before planning permission was ever granted.
By the time it opened, only a ‘woke’ recreation of the past would be allowed. You can just about imagine what your exciting day out would feature.
Villagers in Bucknell fear it would wreck their rural idyll. A similar attraction in France, run by the company behind the project, has more than two million visitors a year (Pictured: Puy de Fou amusement park in France)
Out would go the War Of The Roses, replaced by the Battle of Orgreave between Arthur Scargill’s fearless flying pickets and the mounted division of the Metropolitan Police force. Not that they would acknowledge that this confrontation happened during the 1984/5 miners’ strike (Pictured)
There would be no famous victories at Trafalgar or Waterloo, for instance. Instead, we could expect a spectacular tableau exposing Britain’s ‘shameful’ past, centred on colonialism and slavery. Neither would there be mention of the Royal Navy’s heroic role in stamping out the Atlantic slave trade, or the Army and RAF’s contribution to liberating Europe.
No military tattoo, marking our victories in two World Wars. No World Cup, either, because there was no women’s team in 1966.
All visitors must join police and masked demonstrators in a ceremonial taking of the knee at a re-enactment of the Black Lives Matter riots, as a ‘racist’ statue of Sir Winston Churchill is torn down and hurled into the boating lake.
No D-Day landings, either. They would give way to tens of thousands of illegal migrants being welcomed with open arms as they arrive on the beaches of Kent in a flotilla of small boats, escorted by Border Force and the RNLI.
The suffragettes would get short shrift, too, as a planned display to celebrate women getting the vote is attacked by a mob of ‘trans rights’ activists, burning an effigy of JK Rowling (pictured celebrating the ruling last week)
Trans rights groups stage a large protest in Parliament Square, London, in reaction to the Supreme Court ruling on gender
The suffragettes would get short shrift, too, as a planned display to celebrate women getting the vote is attacked by a mob of ‘trans rights’ activists, burning an effigy of JK Rowling.
Out would go the War Of The Roses, replaced by the Battle of Orgreave between Arthur Scargill’s fearless flying pickets and the mounted division of the Metropolitan Police force.
Not that they would acknowledge that this confrontation happened during the 1984/5 miners’ strike.
Pitheads would be replaced by windmills, pretending that Britain has always been a pioneering ‘green’ superpower.
The on-site Hole In The Wall pub would be boarded up, because of the ban on alcohol, and the National Insurance increases, and you can forget about the carvery serving the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding of Olde England. Only vegan dishes will be available at the kebab shop next to the Central Mosque.
The patriotic Last Night Of The Proms-style open-air concert would be scrapped. In its place Billy Bragg will lead the communal singing of his anthem Take Down The Union Jack as the rainbow banner of the MGBGT+ brigade is raised over Oxfordshire, alongside the blue and yellow stars of the EU flag.
This will be followed by a march-past of the Oxfordshire branch of Friends Of Hamas, chanting ‘From The River To The Sea’ and calling for the death of all Jews.
Before mounting their bikes for the long journey home – cars having been banned – visitors will be compelled to bang saucepans together to celebrate ‘our’ magnificent NHS, which as everyone knows is the envy of the world.
And with a final flourish, an Islamist suicide bomber will blow himself up on the replacement bus service, which has only been provided because the train drivers are on strike again.
As for the villagers of Bucknell, if they’re lucky they might get a Low Traffic Neighbourhood out of it. Still, they needn’t worry.
The chances of two million people turning up in deepest Oxfordshire and paying good money to celebrate diversity while being battered over the head with a crude lecture about the evils of Empire are less than zero.
Makes you proud to be British!
